Late Musings

 
Can I just come out and bluntly say I’m not your typical girl? But then again I will backtrack and say I don’t really believe in that word at all. “Typical”.
What is typical anyway? 
Is it what is the norm?
Is it just what is the norm for your specific locale- your specific race or age bracket or “profile” (think 5’10 beach blonde Caucasian raised an only child in a decently strict Methodist household in a medium sized suburb of the epicenter of the tourist industry….lol….just in general….ha).
 
What am I supposed to be?
When you see me shopping in Walmart with my cartful of kids, junkfood and no ring on my finger, what is your first impression, honestly? 
 
I muse these questions a lot of the time but in reality, I don’t want to hear your answer. Nope, not really.
This is all about me dahhhling. Bahahahaha. okay. So, truthfully, cross my heart and hope to die, I’m joking.
 
I do want to know. You don’t shape me, define me, make me but you do influence me. Your thoughts, your actions, words, and accusations do have an affect on how I live my life. Who I want and need to be. Who I let myself become. What about you?
 
Do you take the opinions around you, about you, personally? Do you let the negative slide off your back and keep going or do you genuinely look and examine, think that maybe the negative may have a little truth to it and try to improve yourself? I don’t mean taking all things said and done to heart, letting them beat you down and tear you apart, but simply using them to build your character and grow your strength, endurance for healthy self evaluation. 
 

Honestly, my own self esteem has been one of the weakest areas of my life(soul…whatever).
Outwardly, I am this 5’10 blonde with initial shy tendencies but confident, cool, sarcastic, and collected. A (slightly less than) perfect picture of self confidence.
Inside, I’ve fought with my own personal self confidence ‘demons’ for as long as I remember. Whispering the things wrong with me, the things I would never measure up to be, the flawed areas of my life, the ways that made me unlovable and not worth time and effort for anyone. Blame it on nature, nuture, ‘ugly duckling’ phases, alcoholism, unreliable friends, shitty boyfriends, abusive relationships…whatever blame you choose to defer the end result to. 
While alll of these circumstances are true and valid I believe they defeat the purpose of reflection.
I see blame as the procrastination of self reflection, being too stubborn and lazy to take responsibility and accept change and growth. Maybe these situations set me up for confidence failure, but it was simply me who did not want to put in the effort to better myself and the situation. 
I am trailing off a bit, but I wanted to lead ito my real topic of conversation which is rather personal but needs to be said. And I’m the gal who swore her blog would be so open and honest it would make your head spin, so here I am keeping my promise to you, dear reader (you owe me!) 
Boys are my weakness. Always have been, possibly always will be. This is true of nearly any girl but I mean this in a way that for a long time, if he didn’t like me, if he didn’t call back or kiss me goodnight the world was crashing down and I was worth nothing. I let silly two week relationships that failed consume my thoughts, mourning what could of been longer than the relationship itself ever reached. Convincing myself “he” (various ‘he’s) was the one and I was dumb enough to scare him away and why can’t he see I love him.
I didn’t love him. I simply wanted to. It’s ironic how loneliness can play tricks on even the most confident soul.
I have since heard it said that far too often we meet someone and set these expectations for them, look at them in this light of their potential and become blinded by that. We are enthralled by this vision of the person we want them to be, the person we “know they can be”, but aren’t yet. And sometimes that’s all we see.
We assign these fantasy traits and convince ourselves that the fantasy is how they actually are. But, they’re not. We “get our heart broken” and truthfully, it is not that persons fault. It is our own fault by saddling them with this role they would most likely never be able to fill. But of course, when the relationship fails we are quick to say, “well he used to be so different but he’s just changed. What an ass”. We ponder why they have changed and what we did to cause it. Endlessly torturing ourselves with the reason for this ‘drastic’ morphing into this jerk who doesn’t care.
But, being a former, romantically blinded silly girl, I have the right (in your own best interest) to tell you to wake up.
He is not an asshole. This person is not drastically changing. You are not to blame, beyond the simple fact that they aren’t who you wanted them to be. Get out of bed, stop withering away. Stop pining over someone you would eventually see through; someone you would eventually see that they were not your ‘perfect match’.
One man lost is not the whole world. You are going to find someone else. You are not going to be alone forever unless you choose to be. Your life is not over, get out of bed and live it! 
As for me, I am alone now. First time since 9th grade. I will (again) admit that the situation has not been easy for me. I’ve been used to getting what I want, when I want it. Used to only putting in minamal effort (sadly). In short, used to not being alone; and its weird. The kids of course are always physically with me but I often get lost in my thoughts, pondering the next years and for once in a long time thinking about my own self, my own goals, my own dreams that again have promise but were once sacrificed for the sake of living my life in communion with some one else.
Kids come first, but in essence my life now is just about me. What I want. I have concluded over the past two weeks how I want to handle ‘boy’ and ‘relationship’ issues in the next few years. I want to be single at least a year.
Even if Mr. Right comes knocking at my door, if he really is right he will know I need this and will be patient.
He will know that while I’m doing this for myself, in the end it is for him as well. I want whoever he may be to have me at my very best. The confident, balanced, organized, emotionally even keel me that I’m dedicated to becoming in the next year. Growth, change, and daily lessons will of course continue to span a lifetime but, I want a strong starter lap.
After all, they deserve the best as much as I do.
I’m all for having fun, going on dates, getting to know someone, meeting new people. No problem with those situations in the least. I’m not a freakin celibate nun or anything close to that. But I have worn my heart on my sleeve for the last 25 years. On purpose. I actually enjoy vulnerability as allowing yourself to possibly getting hurt is also allowing yourself the chance to jump in and find beauty, love beyond imagination, bliss. I would deal myself a little brokenness if it meant I was closer to an amazing, happy life.
But, for now, I am tucking in my heart. Not to be cold or unattainable, but simply putting it in my pocket, saving it for a rainy day, challenging the one out there to get to know me, keep me in mind, impress me, chase me, sweep me off my feet, invest time, be there, cheer me on, accept all of my flawed self, push me, fight for me, carry me, don’t let go, don’t let me let go, dance with me, dream with me. 

I’m not ready yet, but wait for me, my love. Then, my heart shall surely be yours.  

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